The little things are the big things

video version here
Do you know somebody who struggles, who struggles to do those things that “anybody can do?” Like staying organized, starting projects, remembering names, keeping track of their own calendar, or completing projects on time? I do. I have a lot of experience with people who struggle in both my personal and my professional lives.  Here’s what I’ve found.

People who struggle in their daily lives at home and at work are used to hearing “Why didn’t you?” “Why can’t you?” “You’re just lazy/stubborn!” “You’re not motivated!” “I know you’re not stupid! Anybody can do this (pick up their own room, meet deadlines, keep up with papers, turn in their homework, find a specific item in a closet)!” They are not used to hearing praise. So I’ve found that when a person who struggles does something right, the standard “thank you” doesn’t cut it.

I have found that if I take the time to praise someone who struggles when they have a little triumph, it makes a difference. Could be they’ve picked up the floor in their room, maybe it’s finally sending me the date I’ve been waiting on so I can move forward on a project, maybe it’s unloading the dishwasher with a 2 minute argument instead of a 2 hour argument.  When I take the time to notice what they’ve done right and take the time to praise them effusively, it makes a difference.

Why praise effusively? Because there’s a massive concrete roadblock in the minds of people who struggle daily. When you praise them, you have to overcome all those years of their hearing “you’re wrong,” “you’re not right,” “you’re incompetent” – but mostly – “you’re wrong,” and its subtext “there’s something wrong with you.” The only way to bust through that concrete roadblock is with extravagant, effusive praise.

What if you go crazy about their accomplishment like they’re taking their first step? You know how parents go crazy when their kids take their first steps? It’s so crazy exciting because it is a major milestone. So, guess what, if you struggle to keep your life together, to keep your life organized, to do the things that most people think are normal, when you do something seemingly “normal” like making a deadline, it is a major milestone. And, the older the person is, the bigger an occasion or an event it is, because your praise is trying to beat through that wall of you’re not good enough, there’s something wrong with you. 

Guess what happens when you praise you them effusively? You bring the focus to what they are doing right. You are saying “I noticed you, I noticed you doing this thing, and I know it’s a big deal and it’s hard for you.” 

And you start to feel differently about that person, too. Your focus shifts from what they’re doing wrong to what they’re doing right. You begin to appreciate them more.

So, if you know someone who struggles, praise the little victories. Praise them loud and long so they begin to break through that roadblock of “I can’t do anything right” and feel the win for both of you. 

The little things are the big things.

Becky
www.BeckyBerryCoach.com