A post about grief

From Wikipedia:

Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions.

Today is October 3, 2015. My husband would have been 75 years old today. I had been struggling with writing my blog post for this week when my son said I should write about extreme grief and how it changes you. Out of the mouths of 22 year olds…..

It’s absolutely true; extreme grief has changed me. I’ll never again be the person I was before my husband died. I will never be the other person in a team of two who could face down any challenge – from starting numerous businesses and closing some of them, to working together for years (some of those years in back-to-back desks in our bedroom, to becoming parents at 54 and 36 – him for the third time, me for the first - to constantly changing jobs, grad school, a teenager with cancer, a teenager surviving cancer and going off to college, then adjusting to an empty nest. We were a team. We loved each other without restraint. We fought with each other – with some restraint. We supported each other unconditionally for 30 years. Losing that kind of partner and that kind of support is shattering.

Luckily, I carry with me every single thing I learned in the 11,059 days we were together. Some of those things, like extreme perseverance, keep me going. Some of the other things, like his unshakeable belief that I could absolutely do anything I put my mind to, ground me.

3 years later there is still the chorus of grief that constantly hums just below the surface, ready to grab me at random and unexpected moments. I feel myself floundering around, searching for the anchor that’s not there. Instead, I feel like I’m floating, trying desperately to learn that I don’t have that kind of anchor anymore.

So, I keep going forward. Trying to be kind to myself, understanding that there are days where I just cannot function and not punishing myself when I fall apart. It happens less and less. I have old friends and new friends and family that support me unconditionally.

The grief chorus keeps humming and I keep moving forward, understanding deep in my heart that as long I keep moving, both cursing and embracing this new life, I will make it. I will live into a life that is informed by the 30 years we had together. I just wish he were here.

PS Purple and orange are two of my favorite colors. They are also the colors of the Clemson Tigers. Bo went to Clemson. Every time I look at the colors of my logo I grin.

www.BeckyBerryCoach.com