Video version of this post

Picture this. You’re at school, maybe you’re in high school, maybe you’re in college, maybe you’re at work. And you struggle mightily to remember what you learned in school yesterday or what was said in that meeting. Or you struggle to remember what you learned in your study session last night. And you know there’s a test or project deadline. 

You know when you go in to take that test that you’re probably not going to get a grade that reflects your understanding of the material. You are not going to deliver that work in time – even though you know exactly what you want to do. And this isn’t the first time you’ve had this experience.

And your teachers going to look at you and ask “You’re so smart, why can’t you do this? You knew it in class!” And your parents and maybe your peers will ask the same thing. Your manager and co-workers will say “You told me how you were going to do this! Why didn’t you do it? Why isn’t it ready?”

And you are just over it. Don’t they know that if you could change it you would? That you hate those questions? That they’re not helping you at all?

Why do I bring this up? Because I had this same conversation with my son the other day. He’s getting ready to go back to college. He had a concussion and had to withdraw for a semester. During our conversation he said, “Mom, I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.” So I asked him, “Do you feel that way all the time?” And he said, “Yes, I do. I think I’ve got things under control at school, I’ll have done all my work, and studied, then I get to the test; I will have known it the day before; I’ll have answered questions in class, and, boom, I screw up the test.” Invariably it’s a math test. (A lot of people with ADD struggle with math. It has to do with how and where math information is stored in the brain.)

And I thought, “This just stinks.” I asked him if he thinks his other friends feel the same way. He said, “No.”  I’ve heard this from my clients, my students, my siblings who have ADD, and my friends who have ADD, including my late husband. They just go around with this constant feeling of “When is the next shoe going to drop?” “When am I going to fail the next time?”

So I said, “Well, Ken, that’s your ADD brain talking.” And he looks straight at me and says, “Hey, Mom, it’s just my brain!” Hello. It’s just his brain. It’s not like he has two brains. I realize that I need to change the way I talk about that. I need to change both the way I think about it and talk about it with my clients and with him.

So what do you do to move past this negativity? It’s hard. It takes a lot of work. You have to dig into your experience. You have to look at where your successes are, how you were successful, and write them down. You’ve got to look at those successes and own them. When you look at times that you have been successful, you can gradually combat the negative voice in your head. It also help to ask people around you to notice when you’re successful and to point it out to you.

The number one piece of coaching for my son, for my clients, for anyone who is working hard to succeed, is to find an advocate at work or at school. Someone who knows and appreciates you just the way you are. And ask them for help. Ask for help with your strategies. If you know how you work best, you can ask them to help you use your strategies. Say you have a big project. You know you need to break it up into manageable pieces so you can get it done – because if you look at the whole project and the completion date all at once, your brain will explode.

Ask a co-worker for some guidance on how to break the project up. Tell them that you do your best work when you can break big projects into smaller pieces with more frequent deadlines. By the way, this is one of the most valuable productivity tips – break big projects into smaller pieces. You don’t have to disclose that you have ADD.  You can frame it as “This is how I work best.” People want to help you. They do. And, please, do not give up if you don’t get the help you want the first time you ask.

You can do the same thing at school. I’m not going to lie. It can take a little time to find the right person; they might not be right in front of you. They are there. There are people who will help you advocate for yourself.

Instead of waiting for the next shoe to drop, find someone to help you. Own what you do well. Ask for help. People want to help you.

It’s worth it. You’re worth it.

Article: How Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Can Stop Negativity

Article: Revealing the Real Millenials: Career Expectations

Slideshow: Nix the Negative